Little Goals

I am struggling to stay afloat. My grades are good, I love my jobs, and I am making real measurable progress in my major and career. But some days I do not have the energy to get out of bed. Some days I have real, ugly panic attacks for no reason. Some days I can't figure out why I'm here. It was on one of those days that I ended up in the hospital. I spent three days there learning how to retrain how I think. There wasn't anything physically wrong with me. I wasn't in any pain. I just have major depression and I can't figure out how to fix it. No one brought me balloons or get well soon cards because no one knew that I was in the hospital because what am I supposed to say? Even the people who know I was in the hospital actively avoid talking about it around me and scrupulously avoid eye contact with me if someone brings up mental health. No one wants to hear that their friend/acquaintance/family member spent a weekend in the psych ward because that means they're crazy. But really, I'm just me. And I needed help. This trial is real and I am just one of many many people who are struggling to stay afloat.

Because the ER is the best place for a selfie

I've started to write this post so many times. I never could find the words. Mental Health stories are supposed to have a happy ending; a "I went through a hard time, but now I'm new and improved and better than ever!" ending. But that is not where I'm at. And maybe I should wait to write this until I have that ending--I really do have hope that I will get there. But this is my story and I feel empowered to write it. I want people to know that even if your trial is not in the past, even if it is staring you in the face and you cannot possibly see a fairytale ending, that it is worth it to get back up.

Honestly, my goal right now is not to be totally cured of depression and anxiety; my goal is to make it until tomorrow. Sometimes my goal is to make it to five minutes from now. And I celebrate every time I accomplish one of those goals. Being able to get up and go throughout your day when every fiber of your being tells you that you can't is just as impressive as acing a final or a job interview. Being able to take your medication or make dinner when your own mind is telling you that it's not worth the effort is just as impressive as getting a Personal Best in a 5k. Your goals are yours for a reason. My goals are often really small, but they are important to me. Frankly, they help me survive. Even if I don't accomplish a goal, I just set another goal and move on. Right now, I have a goal to exercise every day. Some days I work out for 45-minutes, running a few miles and lifting weights. Some days I only have enough energy to walk a mile on the treadmill while watching Netflix. Every day I celebrate what I did do, and move on from what I didn't.

I am so grateful to have people who love me unconditionally and continue to support me--especially my parents who are so incredibly understanding and patient with me. I'm still the same person: I love music and swimming and stats. I'm still stubborn and sarcastic. I'm still passionate and driven. I am moving forward, just slowly. The last year of my life has been so incredibly painful, but I am surviving. I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Note: If you are at all struggling with your mental health please please talk to your doctor. It can be really hard to take that step but I promise that it will help you. You are worth it. If you are in crisis call 911 or an emergency crisis line. Please be safe.

Anxiety and Depression: why I post so much about them

I know that I post fairly openly and quite a bit about my anxiety and depression. However, I am a very purposeful individual and I don't do this for pity points or for a joke or for any other derogatory reason. I post about these conditions because representation is important. In 'adult culture' anxiety and depression--if even taken seriously--are almost always described as things that were in the past and have been 'overcome.' In 'youth culture' they are seen as insurmountable obstacles that permanently sit in front of the road to success. I want to represent an actual journey through these trials and toward a heathy and positive lifestyle. Even if my story doesn't directly impact another person who needs help or encouragement, maybe it will give someone the courage to share a personal journey or experience that may help this person.

Selfie ft. Audrey

My Story

I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and panic disorder when I was about 16. There was no reason for it. My brain just didn't work like everyone else's. I was a perfectionist and I was never good enough. I slept and ate very little because I never felt like I had enough time to get everything right and these things took too much time. Even when things did turn out well I never seemed happy about it.

I was prescribed antidepressants at about 17 and they sat on my windowsill for a few months. The little orange bottle was a monster that reminded me that I wasn't strong enough. I refused to take them. 

After a while of hating counseling and not getting any better, however, I was willing to try just about anything. So I took the pills and...they didn't do anything. So I tried a new pill, which actually helped, at least a little bit, for a long time. But then I went on a mission and everything resurfaced worse than before and I couldn't handle it. I had to come home.

And it was really hard. But the past six months have been invaluable in my journey and I'm so glad that I'm here and healthier than ever. I found a good physiatrist. I have developed healthier habits. I have found a medication and dosage that works for me. Life is better. It is worth it. At times I felt like I had a mountain to climb and the only tools I had been given were beat-up sneakers and a light jacket, but I am headed toward health and happiness and that is worth every step.

That all being said, let me editorialize about antidepressants:

I'm a strong believer in selfies

Taking antidepressants does not make you a 'crazy person.' Also, finding the right antidepressant and dosage can be really hard and should not be done without supervision from a medical professional. I went through almost a dozen medications before I found the right one for me and it was terrible, horrible, awful, but so so so worth it. I cannot express how much finding the right medication has helped me. Obviously, medication is not a 'cure-all' for your mental health, but it can be a very important part of the process. It's like how vegetables are important, but you can't eat three square meals of fast food per day with a side of vegetables and say you have a "healthy lifestyle." The point is, medication can definitely be a positive thing that can help with mental health, but really hard work is still required to productively live with depression and anxiety.

Okay back on track:

The main thing I want other people to know is that you can do it. Even when you can't get out of bed and you literally don't want to do anything but stare at the ceiling all day, you can do it. You can make it though today. And I know that it's really hard to believe that life will be worth living again, but it will be, and you will be happy and you will make it through right now. I promise with every fiber of my being that it is worth it to make it through another day. You are a strong beautiful person and I love you!

Love always,

Shannon

(Important note: my course is not, in any way, the only successful way to cope with these illnesses. Every person concerned about their mental health should speak with medical professionals who can evaluate individual circumstances.)

I'm Angry and It's Not Your Fault

Quite frankly and quite simply a lot is going wrong in my family life right now. Every time we seem to find a silver lining or see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel the rain starts again and the train blocks our view. And if I'm being honest, I'm angry.

My beautiful, strong mom and me

I'm angry at myself for every selfish time I think that I would rather run away than be a strength or a support to those I love. I'm angry that I can't honestly bring myself to put these trials in perspective and realize that I have so so many ridiculously wonderful and lucky things in my life. I'm angry at God for letting all these things happen at once. I'm angry that I have no one to blame. I'm angry that this is just happening and that none of us have any control over it. I'm angry at my friends for not even asking how I'm doing--even though I know this is not their fault and I can initiate conversation (which would probably be the more socially righteous way to go about things). I'm angry at everything I can wrap my mind around because I don't know how else to feel.

Being angry is not a beautiful thing to be. It's not like I'm righteously indignant (like Sandra Bullock in every movie she does). I'm not the kind of Hollywood angry where I shake my fists at the sky but then end up realizing how much of a blessing these trials are before the screen goes black and scrolls through the credits of those who have masterfully engineered this 'life learning experience.' I'm aggressively and unattractively angry. I'm 'tears streaming down my face at midnight on a Tuesday' angry. I'm 'aggressively hostile to the woman bagging my groceries' angry. And it's horrible, inhuman thing to do. And I'm deeply sorry to anyone I've been overly apathetic to in the past few months. It's truly not your fault.

My family is entirely comprised of amazing humans

But let's focus less on me and my flaws and more on how we, as humans, react to trials and comfort those in trials. It's really easy to look down at someone trapped in their own maze of trials and see that 'if you just take a left then a right then three more lefts you're in the clear!' It's easy to compare and say 'well, this person is far more trapped in their maze than you are; you shouldn't complain.' To the person in the trial, however, there is a panic-inducing sense of being totally and completely lost, wholly unsure of where to turn or how far they will have to go before they finally make it somewhere less claustrophobic (if you're having trouble grasping this analogy then think about how much easier mazes in coloring books are--where you can see the whole thing--than the early-2000s microsoft 3D mazes). And what these people need from you is not for you to explain that you believe their maze is not so hard or that you think mazes are fun summer-time activities. These people need someone to give them a hug, give them permission to take even a 30-second break, and ask them what they need help with. Or better yet, they need someone to say, "Hey, I know you're going through a lot right now. Could I come do your dishes once a week?" or "Would it help you if I came and cleaned your bathroom and raked your leaves?" It's a scientific fact that humans need other humans. If you are going through a trial, allow yourself to accept help and comfort from other people. If you're not going through a trial then be a human that someone else needs. Allow them to be angry. Allow them to explain how crappy their situation is. Be a human. Love them. They need it now more than ever.

Moral of the story: if someone you love is hurting simply be a shoulder to cry on. It's cliché, but it's true. And if you can't be a shoulder to cry on, at least be a shoulder that brings food or milkshakes 😉

Love always,

Shannon

Some Hard Truths: An Update Post-Vegas

It has been about two months since I've been home from Vegas. I probably should have written this earlier, but here is an update on my situation.

More Mission Pictures! Yay!

I wish that I could tell you that the past eight weeks I have conquered my anxiety and everything is hunky dory (is that still an expression people use?). Unfortunately, this is not the case. Even when you're taking a break to take care of your mental health, life still moves on and gets in the way of everything. I am, however, working on stabilizing my mental health.

As far as my general life situation is concerned, I am currently back lifeguarding at the YMCA and I plan to return to Provo in January to continue my studies in statistics and actuarial science with a minor in general music. I will hopefully have passed two actuarial exams by next fall (I am currently studying for FM and P if you were curious) and be working toward getting a good internship. I am also available to babysit and tutor math, if you are looking for someone!

My original plan was to return to BYU for fall semester, but I spoke with an admissions counselor who informed me that the university was full for fall, but I would be able to return in January for winter semester. I then applied to go to BYUI for a semester before returning to Provo.

Two major things happened while this application was being processed which changed my plans:

(The Hymn is Called to Serve 😉)

1) It was discovered that my mom has a tumor, about the size of a fist, at the base of her spine. It is non-aggressive and more than likely benign, but she will have to have a surgery to remove it which has a recovery time of 2-3 months. She currently has no symptoms and will likely have the surgery in the next month or so. Though I do have her permission to share this information with you, we ask that you treat the subject with due sensitivity.

2) I had a mental breakdown which caused me to have to quit the job I was working at (Amazon Fulfillment), and reevaluate my mental health situation. This is a very personal part of my life, but I believe it is important for you to understand why I made the decisions that I made.

All Photos by Brittany Porter 💕

I was accepted to go to BYUI starting the beginning of September, but I rejected my admission. Right now, I need to be home in order to help my mom through her surgery and recovery, and to help myself to become healthy.

I do not plan to return to the mission field in the foreseeable future.

I do not, in any way, regret my mission. It was a wonderful experience and I am so grateful for the people I met, was able to talk to, and was able to help. I know that I served the whole mission that God intended me to serve, and that I was in Las Vegas for the time that I needed to be there. Though I loved my mission, I know that I accomplished what I set out to accomplish and that at this time my calling is not in the mission field. I am grateful for my Savior and my Heavenly Father and their help and comfort through this difficult time in my life. I am striving, every day, to live the way that they would have me live.

I also am grateful for all of you and your love, support, and prayers through this time. I love you all so much and I am so very glad to have such wonderful friends and family.

I apologize that this is not my usual signature blend of sarcasm and snark, but I promise that I will return to that formula in the future.

Love always,

Shannon

What do a Science Teacher, a Super Hero, and The Most Beautiful Woman Alive Have in Common?

They're all my mom!

Okay so that's pretty cheesy, but my mom is literally the best.

I have a few experiences to share:

Mom puts up with my selfies 

So first of all when I was on the way to the airport to fly home from my mission my mission president handed me a cell phone and told me to call my mom. The second I stammered out a "Mom?" my mom's first words were "Shannon?! What can I do to help make your transition home the best that it can be?" She just wanted me to be okay. She didn't complain about the short notice that she would have to drive an hour to the airport to pick me up, then an hour back. My mom had found out that I was coming home at about ten o'clock that morning and she had unpacked all the totes that she had packed the week before, putting everything away in drawers and making my bed so that I didn't come home to an empty room.

My mother hasn't thought of herself in twenty years. For Mother's Day and her birthday we always try to get her something that she has to use for herself. If we get her a gift card to a clothing she will always end up buying something for us. Same goes for food or literally anything else we can buy her. She is the most selfless person on the planet. She read to us every night from the time my oldest sister was born to the time my littlest sister was about ten. She still reads to her on occasion. Does it take a lot of time and energy to get four kids to sit and listen to a chapter of a book every night? You betcha. Did she do it every single day? Absolutely.

When we were little my brother expressed that he thought busses were cool. He had never been on a bus, but they had that weird slinky thing in the middle which he thought looked super awesome. In an extraordinary act of patience and love my mother packed us all snack bags and took all four of her children (between ages one and seven) on a bus ride. We sat in the middle where the slinky part was. We marveled every time the bus turned a corner and one side of the bus turned before the other. We ate our snack bags. Would it have been easier to stay at home and have us all entertained by some television program? absolutely! Would that be an experience that I still remember sixteen years later? No. She found an activity that interested her kids, was a way to explore the world around them, and was most likely not an activity covered in parenting books. My mom is a creative genius.

We go hiking a lot 

Skip forward thirteen years to when my mom found out that two of her daughters suffered from anxiety. My mom, having never suffered from a mood disorder, didn't really understand them. She didn't assume we would just "snap out of it." She read about other peoples' experiences and tried to understand what it was like for us. She made sure that we got help, that we talked to medical professionals, and she encouraged in actions that helped us to cope with our anxiety.  My mother was (and is) patient, kind, and understanding even though she couldn't fully understand what we were going through.

I could go on forever. I truly believe that my mother doesn't have a single selfish bone in her body. I truly appreciate everything she has done for me and everything she has taught me. My mother is everything I hope to be as an adult. She makes everything possible no matter how difficult. She is an inspiration to everyone she meets.

Mom, I love you.

Returning With Honor: I'm Home!

 So much heat. So much water. 

A lot has happened in the last week and I want to be open and clear with all of you. I am returning home early from my mission. In fact, I have only been out about two and a half months of my expected eighteen month mission. First of all I want to assure you that I have done nothing wrong and that this decision was not an easy one to make or to accept. There were many conversations between my mission president, his wife, my bishop, my doctors, my stake president, and me. This whole process was also overseen by God, my Heavenly Father. I love all these people dearly and their counsel has been invaluable in these past few weeks as this decision has been made.

Because I also love you all dearly I would like to explain some of these conversations and things that have happened in the past few weeks. I hope you will understand my perspective and support me in this transitory time.

As most of you know, I have anxiety. I have been working with this condition for several years and I was cleared by my doctor to go on a mission. Though I have had my anxiety under control for quite a while, the new environment and stresses of my mission have brought to light many unresolved aspects of my anxiety. A few days ago I met with a counselor who helped me to identify and clarify some of these issues.  He, as well as a few other medical professionals, helped me to come to the conclusion that at this time the safest and healthiest place for me to be is home with my family where I can focus on developing plans and getting the medical attention that I need. I will soon be released from my calling as a full time missionary for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but this does not mean that I will stop serving Him or the people around me. I am still the same person with the same desires, I just need to spend some time learning to stand firmly on my own two feet before I am able to most successfully help others to do the same. It was made very clear to me that I may have the opportunity to serve a full time mission in the future, but for now that is not my calling. 

President Youngblood, his wife, and my comp 💕

I have spent a lot of time in prayer to my Heavenly Father and I have received assurance that my missionary service was needed in Las Vegas the past few months, even if it was only for a short time. I have also received an assurance that at this time I need to be back in Washington with my family.

I want you to know that the time I have spent in the Nevada Las Vegas Mission has been very precious to me. The people I have met have made such an impact on my life and I hope to have made an impact on theirs. I can assure you that over the last few months I have served God and my Savior with all of my "heart, might, mind, and strength." As I return home, I want you all to be assured that I will continue to serve my God, just in an environment where I am also able to learn to be a productive and healthy person.

I love you all so much and I ask again for your support. If you have any questions, comments, want to know about some of my experiences as a missionary, or anything else please feel free to contact me.

Also, please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you!

Love always,

Shannon :)

The Superior Y-Chromosome: reflections of my first year in STEM

When I was in first grade I wanted to be president. During high school I realized how awful of a career that would be and I decided to become an actuary. (For those who don't know, an actuary is a statistician who works generally with insurance companies to determine risk.) In high school this plan seemed normal and reasonable. Other than the fact that most people would ask me what an actuary was, I never really thought I was doing anything out of the ordinary. I mean, in public education all "top tier" students are funneled through the same AP classes and it's a pretty even 50/50 gender split. It wasn't until I got to my first statistical theory classes in college that I noticed something strange. I was the only girl in my smaller lab sections and I was one of only a handful of girls in my larger lectures. I mostly ignored this fact and continued on with my educational advancement.

Idk what pictures to add so here's one of a robot I drew 

As I went through the school year, however, a few things bothered me. I had classmates write me off in study groups: they would ask a general question which I would answer, then they would give a half nod of approval and wait for a male peer to confirm my answer. I had a male classmate upset at me because I got a better score on a test that he did; I mean how could my inferior second X-chromosome compare to his clearly superior Y-chromosome?? When I was working at a call center I had a woman, after asking me what my major was, comment "good for you! But wouldn't you rather be a nurse--they use science!"  While I was hanging out with a group of friends, one boy commented "Oh I would never date a STEM major--what if she was smarter than me?!" Little did he know that if a girl really was smarter than him, they wouldn't agree to go on a date with someone like him in the first place.

To be fair, these are only the most ridiculous examples of my experience, and I am going to a private religious university and have no knowledge of the culture at other universities, but also this is all only in my first year of college. I had never considered that I was doing something out of the ordinary until my theory classes started. I had made my career-path decision and I was following it.

With that said, I would like to write a letter to girls considering STEM:

Dear amazing human,

Deciding what you want to do with your life is a hugely difficult decision. If you have decided that you want to pursue a STEM field I want you to know that it's hard, but also very rewarding. Plus, "Women in STEM" luncheons always have the best food!

I hope you to realize that your decision to go into a "male-dominated" field is not extraordinary. What you do in that field can be extraordinary. I hope you remember and are thankful for the intelligent and strong women that came before you.

If you continually strive to be your best self, to work hard, to do your homework and show up to class, to develop and pursue new ideas, to further your field, then you can and will succeed. Don't let other people control you; do what is best for you. Your life is yours, be thankful for the opportunities you have, but never settle for closed doors. Be kind. Be strong. Be confident.

You will do great things. Keep going.

Love always,

Shannon