I am struggling to stay afloat. My grades are good, I love my jobs, and I am making real measurable progress in my major and career. But some days I do not have the energy to get out of bed. Some days I have real, ugly panic attacks for no reason. Some days I can't figure out why I'm here. It was on one of those days that I ended up in the hospital. I spent three days there learning how to retrain how I think. There wasn't anything physically wrong with me. I wasn't in any pain. I just have major depression and I can't figure out how to fix it. No one brought me balloons or get well soon cards because no one knew that I was in the hospital because what am I supposed to say? Even the people who know I was in the hospital actively avoid talking about it around me and scrupulously avoid eye contact with me if someone brings up mental health. No one wants to hear that their friend/acquaintance/family member spent a weekend in the psych ward because that means they're crazy. But really, I'm just me. And I needed help. This trial is real and I am just one of many many people who are struggling to stay afloat.
 |
| Because the ER is the best place for a selfie |
I've started to write this post so many times. I never could find the words. Mental Health stories are supposed to have a happy ending; a "I went through a hard time, but now I'm new and improved and better than ever!" ending. But that is not where I'm at. And maybe I should wait to write this until I have that ending--I really do have hope that I will get there. But this is my story and I feel empowered to write it. I want people to know that even if your trial is not in the past, even if it is staring you in the face and you cannot possibly see a fairytale ending, that it is worth it to get back up.
Honestly, my goal right now is not to be totally cured of depression and anxiety; my goal is to make it until tomorrow. Sometimes my goal is to make it to five minutes from now. And I celebrate every time I accomplish one of those goals. Being able to get up and go throughout your day when every fiber of your being tells you that you can't is just as impressive as acing a final or a job interview. Being able to take your medication or make dinner when your own mind is telling you that it's not worth the effort is just as impressive as getting a Personal Best in a 5k. Your goals are yours for a reason. My goals are often really small, but they are important to me. Frankly, they help me survive. Even if I don't accomplish a goal, I just set another goal and move on. Right now, I have a goal to exercise every day. Some days I work out for 45-minutes, running a few miles and lifting weights. Some days I only have enough energy to walk a mile on the treadmill while watching Netflix. Every day I celebrate what I did do, and move on from what I didn't.
I am so grateful to have people who love me unconditionally and continue to support me--especially my parents who are so incredibly understanding and patient with me. I'm still the same person: I love music and swimming and stats. I'm still stubborn and sarcastic. I'm still passionate and driven. I am moving forward, just slowly. The last year of my life has been so incredibly painful, but I am surviving. I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Note: If you are at all struggling with your mental health please please talk to your doctor. It can be really hard to take that step but I promise that it will help you. You are worth it. If you are in crisis call 911 or an emergency crisis line. Please be safe.
