I'm Angry and It's Not Your Fault

Quite frankly and quite simply a lot is going wrong in my family life right now. Every time we seem to find a silver lining or see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel the rain starts again and the train blocks our view. And if I'm being honest, I'm angry.

My beautiful, strong mom and me

I'm angry at myself for every selfish time I think that I would rather run away than be a strength or a support to those I love. I'm angry that I can't honestly bring myself to put these trials in perspective and realize that I have so so many ridiculously wonderful and lucky things in my life. I'm angry at God for letting all these things happen at once. I'm angry that I have no one to blame. I'm angry that this is just happening and that none of us have any control over it. I'm angry at my friends for not even asking how I'm doing--even though I know this is not their fault and I can initiate conversation (which would probably be the more socially righteous way to go about things). I'm angry at everything I can wrap my mind around because I don't know how else to feel.

Being angry is not a beautiful thing to be. It's not like I'm righteously indignant (like Sandra Bullock in every movie she does). I'm not the kind of Hollywood angry where I shake my fists at the sky but then end up realizing how much of a blessing these trials are before the screen goes black and scrolls through the credits of those who have masterfully engineered this 'life learning experience.' I'm aggressively and unattractively angry. I'm 'tears streaming down my face at midnight on a Tuesday' angry. I'm 'aggressively hostile to the woman bagging my groceries' angry. And it's horrible, inhuman thing to do. And I'm deeply sorry to anyone I've been overly apathetic to in the past few months. It's truly not your fault.

My family is entirely comprised of amazing humans

But let's focus less on me and my flaws and more on how we, as humans, react to trials and comfort those in trials. It's really easy to look down at someone trapped in their own maze of trials and see that 'if you just take a left then a right then three more lefts you're in the clear!' It's easy to compare and say 'well, this person is far more trapped in their maze than you are; you shouldn't complain.' To the person in the trial, however, there is a panic-inducing sense of being totally and completely lost, wholly unsure of where to turn or how far they will have to go before they finally make it somewhere less claustrophobic (if you're having trouble grasping this analogy then think about how much easier mazes in coloring books are--where you can see the whole thing--than the early-2000s microsoft 3D mazes). And what these people need from you is not for you to explain that you believe their maze is not so hard or that you think mazes are fun summer-time activities. These people need someone to give them a hug, give them permission to take even a 30-second break, and ask them what they need help with. Or better yet, they need someone to say, "Hey, I know you're going through a lot right now. Could I come do your dishes once a week?" or "Would it help you if I came and cleaned your bathroom and raked your leaves?" It's a scientific fact that humans need other humans. If you are going through a trial, allow yourself to accept help and comfort from other people. If you're not going through a trial then be a human that someone else needs. Allow them to be angry. Allow them to explain how crappy their situation is. Be a human. Love them. They need it now more than ever.

Moral of the story: if someone you love is hurting simply be a shoulder to cry on. It's cliché, but it's true. And if you can't be a shoulder to cry on, at least be a shoulder that brings food or milkshakes 😉

Love always,

Shannon